confusions

I was given an assignment, by nature.

When i start living my life trying to complete this assignment, more and even more come, never did i ask for any of them. The adventure of finding who i really am, under a large mass of skin, subcutaneous fat, muscles, nerves, arteries, veins and even organs. What is actually hidden inside. Perhaps it is something that no one can ever see, except for Allah. Because obviously He knows everything.

As you can see, I am being in a state where i dont even know myself. I am trapped inside a world of nowhere. where there are aliens, invaders and all sorts of enemy always searching for a good time to attack, metaphorically speaking. All the hatred, egoistic, jealousy and those dark things surrounding me, blinding me. Yes, i am blinded. I cant even see what is evil and what is not.

I tend to follow people, sometimes even their foolishness, stupidness or craziness. Follow the fkg words used in movies for example,

Yes, the bad ones.

and it came out from my mouth without me realizing it. And it is not good, people. Not good. I am sick of hearing them myself, ignoring the fact that i use them almost everyday. I'll change, yes i will for good.

I have a very bad time adapting to the surrounding. How can i even try when suddenly i am thrown into an ocean of sickness. -_______- I am not capable of doing it yet i have to accept the burdens and carry them around. Forced to understand every single person by heart. When they dont even try to understand me. Is it fair? is it? is it? As once said by a person whom i dont remember his name; try to understand each one around you but never expect them to understand you. Yes perhaps he is right, i have to try controlling my bad temper during times like heck-i-dont-understand-nothing-about-this-chapter or stop-removing-my-stuff-without-me-knowing-it-for-God's-sakes and many many other sick situations, which really drives me crazy, for someone as emotional and sensitive as me. This journey thought me a lot of things, people are different. I am different. Thats the way it works in this world and i have no choice but to explore them. Not easy but i have to.

Big thanks to those who have been around me forever, through rough and smooth times, during happy and emotional times. blood and honey darling, blood and honey :) You guys are just like the kinetic energy taken from sodium for the process of the carriers. *pardon the metaphor. thats the only one i can think about right now because as im writing this post, my mind is actively thinking about active transport. back to the topic* . Without you I am nothing. That is one thing for sure. Sorry for the confusions, for dragging you guys into my long unlasting journey. It is true sometimes i dont live my life the way i am supposed to. but i just want to put some colours into it. I dont want my life to be neither black nor dull. I'll live my life the way i want to. period.

Yes, YOU!

bosan