when i say i hate myself

I hate the reality.
And I start to wonder why am I even here
Why don’t they just let me live in my own fantasy

But life isn’t a bed of roses, reality sucks, but I still have to accept it anyway.

And the lectures. I missed one lecture and everything was like a disaster
The first time I felt so stupid so lost,
With 9 notes to do tonight. Not that im planning of doing all of them since I don’t even have the slides, with no books with nothing but I hate to not know everything that I have learned.

And the stupid anatomy, back in zagazig I learned upper limb ONLY in about 4months and I don’t know if theyre insane or what but they make us finish both upper limb and lower limb in 5 damn weeks. Even the professor said he learned upper limb in three months and its ridiculous to have us learn everything in such a short period of time

You have no idea how tense we are.
and the exam is around the corner and im making less that 30% progression
it feels like however much i read things, there are still DOZILLION other things to read.

And the coolest thing, im dealing with emotional problem. Imbalanced hormone perhaps even im not in my PMS phase so I don’t know why the heck am I feeling like this. And I totally don’t know how to deal with this problem and now I feel like taking out my heart and throw it in the sea, yeah so I wont feel nothing. Nothing. I don’t want to be too oversensitive because the feeling is just, suck.

And i curse my self for being oversensitive/ it feels like my heart has trillion nerves that even one simple signal hits it, BOOM, it explodes like a nuclear bomb, or worse.

I hate myself for NOT being normal.